ALL OF ME

My mind shoots around all over the place – probing here there and everywhere to search for people , situations, illusionary situations and the like to help me. Many already have – many can’t help anymore…..

………….but what surfaces from the ‘depths’ of my memory is that which came to ‘save me’ during my illness – my true self..

Such a valiant hero – always there when needed.  I have an instant image of myself, with hair, a helmet with a point, sitting astride a magnificent grey steed. I am holding the reins with one hand and an upright , extremely long spear not unlike a jousting stick, in the other… I hear the sound of the hooves of my steed as they touch the earth while he  gently moves in a circular fashion before coming to a standstill. The ‘padding’ of the earth is quite hypnotic as though padding a rhythm.....

They stop, my spirit self and steed, and look directly towards me, expectantly waiting for me to join them..

I feel for Bear who tells me , “this is your show’’.

With great excitement I alight, and sit directly in front of myself atop this magnificent steed. He throws his head back, tosses his mane, laughs and whinnies with great joy.  He doesn’t bolt off, although I wouldn’t have minded! Instead, he gently eases into a relaxed trot!! I am sitting so close to ‘myself’ that I can nearly believe I am myself!!

Upon saying that, the steed turns his head so I can see one eye – a great pool of black onyx , all the much darker as it is surrounded by his grey/white fur….I see a line of ‘me’s , sitting on him, all joined together like the joined paper cutouts from my early school days. Now they become more like the images in a cartoon when the runner goes SO fast, he has to catch up to himself once he stops.

 Where one goes, they all go. This image is staying with me – the feeling is they are all me, perhaps the many faces or phases or bodies of me, yet what is the most striking feature is that THEY ARE ALL JOINED… where one goes , they all go…whatever happens to one, somehow happens to all. If there is a ‘hitch’ in the middle then this effects the line either way..The leader leads EVERYONE – all of us…

But for now, we ‘concertina’ back into just the ONE of me and we continue our travels with our companion and guardian , the Steed.

I can feel the trip has been quite long – a whole ‘day’ has passed and we have covered quite a bit of terrain. We are heading up a mountain now – something I remember seeing way in the distance earlier in the trek. The base starts off grassy underfoot and a gentle but steady rise ensues. Now we are reaching the upper regions and the ground has become rocky with no vegetation. The steed is making his way via a distinct ‘goat’ track – which has only ever carried foot traffic by the looks. It does not appear to have been used recently at all.

We keep heading up and I notice the steed puffing now – it’s becoming hard work. I offer to walk but he is quite adamant I am to wait.

Instantly we arrive at a small grassy plateau. I slide off his back which now houses only a striped blanket. I am dressed very casually , with bare feet, no armour, no jousting stick, yet gladly, still with hair!!  We both, the steed and I , relax , feeling the beautiful energy of the place and allowing ourselves to reasonate with it – being gently soothed and warmed.

I realize I haven’t felt ‘this good’ in years – almost a feeling of ‘recovering youth’ as in before my illness..I am savouring this reconnection with myself – there is an energy here that I truly admire. It is one of being ‘just is’ – of having all that one needs and feeling that one has found ‘their place’.

I realize that it is not about ‘leaving’ and going BACK. Instead it is about embracing ALL and becoming more whole. We need all of ourselves.  To leave a part of us out whether we mean to or not, is to cut our journey into separated trails. One’s story is meant to flow with every chapter in place. Otherwise we will always be searching for the missing piece , going around and around in circles!!!!  (“like eating a bit of dried grass”! , the steed says as he chokes and coughs some out, just to make his point!)

I laugh, and before I have time to really indulge myself in this recovered part of myself, I am joined by many , many parts of myself – all talking together and gathering around excitedly yet calmly. They surround the two of us who had been cut asunder. I recognize they are performing ceremony to recognize , acknowledge and celebrate the recovery and Union – not just of the two, but of the WHOLE.

They gather around, and a pink ribbon is secured around both our joining wrists. I can feel a fusion between our inner wrists – as though something has been stamped on our wrists forever. All of us now do the same while forming a circle .  We all touch wrists fusing together and strengthen the ties we have ….

 The steed then binds us ALL together.

…………….. and the One I become is All of me…………

HEALING

As I sit and relax, the house relaxes with me. From a restlessness to a stillness. The roof of our house creaks and groans as it moves into position and then becomes silent and still. I do the same. I have no specific intent yet I have the Will to shift into a place of benefit to the whole.
Immediately, I hear a strong 'swoosh' and see fast moving colours in geometric formation fly past me, or me past them?  Bear, who I realise really IS a part of me (for are we not all part of the whole?) is right with me!

There is a  strong confidence that has not been so present before. The confidence has a stronger, more wholesome flavour to its energy which has probably been noticeably missing or certainly forgotten... To embrace this feeling is to take responsibility for it.
I notice Bear and I have come to a place of thick forest. Our feet are very solidly connected. We waste no time 'dilly dallying' around and head directly to a quite large and seemingly deep waterhole. Rocky walls surround at least half of the waterhole. I keep getting a picture of someone standing, dressed in long robes and raise his arms slowly and repetitively whilst standing on a rock on the far side of the round waterhole. I stand with Bear trying to sense .  I listen  yet I SEE the water from the waterhole actually rise - rise in droplets up towards the sky. On closer inspection, I see what appears to be dragonflies - each carrying a water droplet as they fly upwards.  Light catches on the water droplets and colours flash around everywhere like the sun moving through crystals.  The dragonflies are not carrying the droplets away, merely hovering above the waterhole.   They are having fun with their job yet there feels to be a deeper purpose - adding light, cleansing each droplet? 
I zoom out my vision so I can take in the whole...All and everything is in perfect synchronisation - forming an orchestra of nature where there is a reason for all - and the big reason that stands out is HARMONY .
Harmony is health and health is harmony - on every level and for all sentient beings.
I hear Bear say , 'to experience it is to feel it'.
I allow myself to feel and there is a vibration moving through my whole body - if I was 'musical' , I could tell you which key the sound was in.
A set of harmonics is how I would describe it with a reasonably deep reasonating tone. I realise now the harmonics shake up or vibrate the water droplets within ME and is doing the same with what I am witnessing.
 All drops are constantly in motion and vibrating.  It is this perpetual movement in the Stillness that is Nature's way of achieving balance, harmony and healing.  It all happens naturally! However, we must ALLOW  the Stillness and ALLOW this process to happen as efficiently and effectively as it is designed to - as is the very nature of the process.....
And so I Allow.................

RETREAT AND NOURISHMENT.

I allow myself to sit in the moment - to sit in a place where I feel  so centred and so grounded.  The feeling is all encompassing - one of solidity and protection; security and freedom.
The quote, 'Man Is Born Free But Everywhere Is In Chains' comes to mind - I have 'chased' and hunted freedom all my life and I feel it is now I am 'tasting' it.! The flavour releases itself in my being as a gentle explosion of bliss - expanding and spreading out like the rays of the sun as it opens to a new day. 
A wonderful release.........

I notice I am with Bear - we are both sitting on a hill watching the grand display of the sun, The open peacock's tail in all its splendour flashes through my vision.
I turn to Bear who is still looking at the sun.  He does not take his eyes from it.  I'm feeling a little anxious - wondering if this is the dawning of the sun or the setting of the sun?
It matters not which for the sun is in all its glory.  This calms me.

We wait and we watch....... Slowly patches of gold alight the earth and I realise then it is a dawning.  This brings me great joy.
"You do not need to delve into the dark or the depths of your fears, for light is being shed on all your woes.  You are being granted asylum and as such will be required to fulfill tasks for the flourishing of the whole."
As I feel this, I am seeing another vision of the gardens of a monastery, a sanctuary. I watch and feel the roles of the monks - the tending of the gardens, the tasks they perform not just out of necessity, but out of choice and desire. The enjoyment and fulfillment these profoundly simple tasks create.
I note how the monks also have time to fulfill and enjoy other activities - learning and heartfelt connection.
It matters not who does what - for all give of themselves, their gifts and their skills freely for the peace, harmony, balance and flourishing of the whole.....................

And this is now........

STILLNESS AND RHYTHMS

There is such stillness outside that is is quite extraordinary as light comes to the day. Even the birds seem reluctant to move around too much and disturb the atmosphere even though they’re singing their morning tunes.

There is no hurry for right now – it feels as though there is all the time in the world and we are in ‘universal’ time. I feel the essence of time – about moving or slowing or stopping along with Nature. To change with her,. To listen to Nature and her rythmms and we will know ‘what time it is’. We have our own inbuilt rhythm-maker, which, although still follows Nature’s time zone, uniquely expresses itself through us. Are we a flower or an evergreen, do we shed our leaves with Nature’s changing time? Maybe that is a surprise to us as well. Only in a particular time do we find other expressions within us – ways that only emerge following Nature’s rythms or when our rhythm aligns with Hers????????

I look to Bear, and around the landscape we have been in for a week or two now. The wolves are with Bella in this world and I am not to follow them at this time.  Bear strongly moves my focus and attention , still within this world, yet to my own vision. I am on a small hill out in the open. I have moved further than my first point of entry with Bear but still, not much further on. Bear reminds me that ‘distance’ cannot be judged in the old way. For look what has occurred within this space of movement. There is a different feeling, a different perspective, a different experience at every turn and every view….A miracle in itself…So within todays step, even though I can see where I have been the last  week or two, it is totally a new experience – offering new lessons, insights, miracles and always holding the magic of life itself…This is ‘making the most of life’ – feeling the very space where one is at any particular time.  Feeling it is living it! To wonder of the future and worry of the past is to move into a space that is not concurrent with Nature’s (or our own) rhythm so can not be felt. It can only be felt if that vision is granted in the present space. So attention and focus need to be maintained with the stillness….Waiting is being still with a different pace – still part of the rhythm, it just requires a different step. All steps, including this step or space , is to be savoured, embraced , lived and enjoyed!!!

And this is how it is…..

PEACE

Sitting here without a physical care in the world at this moment in time, I do what I do best – I WONDER!!!!!

I focus on Bear who seems to be telling me "that all ‘physical concerns’, at best, have been alleviated in order for me to have or view a clear picture of my internal landscape."
I begin to complain a little that I become very tired of forever internally ‘exploring’. I hear that I am not focused on the HEART of the matter – at least not very often. Instead I am walking around the edge – around and around in circles – I have not leapt into the warm, comfy feel of my heart. For if I truly had, I would always feel content.

Once again – this is how it is……….

I have no comeback on this one for I know it to be true. My continual question – ‘what to do now?” has just been answered – jump .  This is what I have wanted to do for ages. It is not, I realize, about jumping into external worlds of ‘doings’ – for no matter what I do or which one I choose I shall never be content until I have found that contentment within my own Heart – until I become comfortable and at ease – until I have found this place in myself . I know ‘this place’ is in my Heart – I have no doubt whatsoever. I do know it for I have been there before. I do not have to be ‘active’ in this place, yet I may choose to. I can merely sit here and ‘look out’ to the outside world whilst being at peace, in peace or Peace itself….

I begin to see that maybe fear, the fear of illness has kept me from here for it was illness that took me there in the first place. I realize this is not so. Illness was my guide and I know I no longer need a guide – I AM able to do it on my own.

I am peace in the making. Peace is one of the greatest gifts of all.

Transition = Peace = Death+Birth