My mind shoots around all over the place – probing here there and everywhere to search for people , situations, illusionary situations and the like to help me. Many already have – many can’t help anymore…..
………….but what surfaces from the ‘depths’ of my memory is that which came to ‘save me’ during my illness – my true self..
Such a valiant hero – always there when needed. I have an instant image of myself, with hair, a helmet with a point, sitting astride a magnificent grey steed. I am holding the reins with one hand and an upright , extremely long spear not unlike a jousting stick, in the other… I hear the sound of the hooves of my steed as they touch the earth while he gently moves in a circular fashion before coming to a standstill. The ‘padding’ of the earth is quite hypnotic as though padding a rhythm.....
They stop, my spirit self and steed, and look directly towards me, expectantly waiting for me to join them..
I feel for Bear who tells me , “this is your show’’.
With great excitement I alight, and sit directly in front of myself atop this magnificent steed. He throws his head back, tosses his mane, laughs and whinnies with great joy. He doesn’t bolt off, although I wouldn’t have minded! Instead, he gently eases into a relaxed trot!! I am sitting so close to ‘myself’ that I can nearly believe I am myself!!
Upon saying that, the steed turns his head so I can see one eye – a great pool of black onyx , all the much darker as it is surrounded by his grey/white fur….I see a line of ‘me’s , sitting on him, all joined together like the joined paper cutouts from my early school days. Now they become more like the images in a cartoon when the runner goes SO fast, he has to catch up to himself once he stops.
Where one goes, they all go. This image is staying with me – the feeling is they are all me, perhaps the many faces or phases or bodies of me, yet what is the most striking feature is that THEY ARE ALL JOINED… where one goes , they all go…whatever happens to one, somehow happens to all. If there is a ‘hitch’ in the middle then this effects the line either way..The leader leads EVERYONE – all of us…
But for now, we ‘concertina’ back into just the ONE of me and we continue our travels with our companion and guardian , the Steed.
I can feel the trip has been quite long – a whole ‘day’ has passed and we have covered quite a bit of terrain. We are heading up a mountain now – something I remember seeing way in the distance earlier in the trek. The base starts off grassy underfoot and a gentle but steady rise ensues. Now we are reaching the upper regions and the ground has become rocky with no vegetation. The steed is making his way via a distinct ‘goat’ track – which has only ever carried foot traffic by the looks. It does not appear to have been used recently at all.
We keep heading up and I notice the steed puffing now – it’s becoming hard work. I offer to walk but he is quite adamant I am to wait.
Instantly we arrive at a small grassy plateau. I slide off his back which now houses only a striped blanket. I am dressed very casually , with bare feet, no armour, no jousting stick, yet gladly, still with hair!! We both, the steed and I , relax , feeling the beautiful energy of the place and allowing ourselves to reasonate with it – being gently soothed and warmed.
I realize I haven’t felt ‘this good’ in years – almost a feeling of ‘recovering youth’ as in before my illness..I am savouring this reconnection with myself – there is an energy here that I truly admire. It is one of being ‘just is’ – of having all that one needs and feeling that one has found ‘their place’.
I realize that it is not about ‘leaving’ and going BACK. Instead it is about embracing ALL and becoming more whole. We need all of ourselves. To leave a part of us out whether we mean to or not, is to cut our journey into separated trails. One’s story is meant to flow with every chapter in place. Otherwise we will always be searching for the missing piece , going around and around in circles!!!! (“like eating a bit of dried grass”! , the steed says as he chokes and coughs some out, just to make his point!)
I laugh, and before I have time to really indulge myself in this recovered part of myself, I am joined by many , many parts of myself – all talking together and gathering around excitedly yet calmly. They surround the two of us who had been cut asunder. I recognize they are performing ceremony to recognize , acknowledge and celebrate the recovery and
They gather around, and a pink ribbon is secured around both our joining wrists. I can feel a fusion between our inner wrists – as though something has been stamped on our wrists forever. All of us now do the same while forming a circle . We all touch wrists fusing together and strengthen the ties we have ….
The steed then binds us ALL together.
…………….. and the One I become is All of me…………
